Pretty Little Liar

I have been keeping a secret for nearly seven years and I want to get it off of my chest. I'm not a very open person in any way. I hate showing emotions and feeling vulnerable, so this is a hard thing for me to admit. Here goes nothing:

I was sexually assaulted by a guy I dated in college. 

This relationship started as any of my other ones. He was incredibly sweet. We went on a few double dates with his parents, we spent a lot of time together, and pretty much lived together the entire time we were dating. If I was sick, he would always show up at my house with soup, ginger ale, movies, and would just snuggle with me. I never had anyone treat me like a princess like that before. Behind closed doors was another thing.

He would do little things that bothered me. He would try to feel me up in public no matter where we were, unhook my bra and fight me for it in the car (not giving it back if he got it), and always had his hands on me. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely against it all of the time, but sometimes I was not in the mood for it. Especially when his parents or my parents were around. It wasn't something I was comfortable with all of the time.

He stayed over at my house a lot while we were dating and just cuddled with me while we slept. It was nice at first, but then he realized how heavy of a sleeper I was. One night, I woke up to his penis hitting me in the face. I got mad and we got into a fight because it was supposed to be funny, but I was not amused. I would wake up without clothes on, to him putting my hand down his pants, and other things that I would rather not go into. We fought a lot over it. He told me that this was what I should expect when I'm dating someone who really loves me. He started getting more and more aggressive and never took no for an answer. You know my wrist issues I say started from clarinet? It started from when he pushed me off my bed and I fell on my wrist. I always blamed it on clarinet, but it originated that night when I hit the floor in my bedroom. I was too embarrassed to say it was from a boyfriend. A few weeks later I broke up with him when I had a pregnancy scare. He harassed me for awhile, but I was at college and started dating someone new. He ended up being controlling, possessive, and pretty similar to my ex in a lot of ways, but that's a story for another day.

I told a few of my girlfriends when that relationship happened and they told me "boys will be boys" or that I was just being too sensitive. One of them went so far as to say, "You don't need to make excuses. Sometimes people are slutty in high school and it is what it is. Don't blame the guy for your poor life choices."

I took a break from dating for awhile after that. I finally put the entire situation with the last two guys out of my head and started dating someone new. I made a decision that any guy I started dating was going to know everything before we were in a relationship. I felt incredibly empowered and like I could do anything. I told the guy I was dating what happened with my last two boyfriends and he responded by yelling at me. He told me he felt like I was attacking him and told me he was nothing like those other guys. He stalked me and harassed me for months. Confused, I told one of my guy friends (who was like a big brother to me) and he responded by asking for details and then asked me to send nude photos of myself to him. I flipped out and went on a downward spiral. I told one of my best girl friends and she told me I should stop leading guys on and being a slut. I went on a downward spiral and started drinking a lot to numb the pain.

Today, I am proud to say I am a strong woman. I am more than my past. I am more than the choices I made and I am better than the way I was treated in the past. Sometimes when I get shooting pains in my wrist, the memories come flooding back. It feels like a bad dream. Without this struggle, I never would have found my strength. I was so insecure I would have taken anything from anyone. Now? I don't take shit from anyone.

I doubt many people will read all of this and that's ok. I needed to get this off of my chest. If you are struggling or need someone to talk to, I am here. Thank you to anyone who read this. I love you guys.

Thankful

As we're coming up to Thanksgiving, everyone is going to post things about what they are thankful for, all of the blessings they have in their life, and everything they feel great about. Today, I'm doing the same thing.

I'm thankful for many things. I'm thankful for my apartment no matter what problems it has, to have a college degree that I worked hard for, to have a job I actually enjoy that also pays all of my bills, and for my family. without whom I wouldn't be doing the things I am able to do. Those are all pretty standard things. My main focus is on my college degree.

For those of you that may not know, I graduated almost a year ago from Roberts Wesleyan with my bachelor's in music education. And now? I am the senior beauty advisor at the Walgreens I work at. I have heard criticisms from many people that I just wasted my time and my money working toward a degree I am not using and probably will not use. This is for you.

I realized years ago that I did not have a passion for music education. I thought about switching majors, but God told me to stay put. I thought this meant I would learn to love it. Student teaching showed me exactly how wrong I was about that one. I wrestled with this for a long time, mainly through my entire college career. Why was I pursuing a major that would ultimately end in a career I did not love? I think I have a better answer to that now, after being out of college for an entire year.

• I met people I will cherish forever. I met some amazing young men and women throughout my time at Roberts that I will never be able to replace. And they encouraged me to come out of my shell.
• I grew closer to God. Being in the "Roberts bubble" is not great in some ways, but it gave me a chance to grow closer to God and to meet Christians from many different backgrounds and in different stages of their relationship with God.
• My experiences in education classes taught me many people skills and tools to use in communication. These are all things that help me in the job I currently have, where a part of my job description is to talk to people and also to put my best business face forward.
• I came to a place where I smile all the time. Anyone who met me in high school would probably think that smiles were impossible, but I smile all the time. It's an amazing feeling. 
• I fell in love with my clarinet again! This was the most exciting thing for me about college. I had a clarinet teacher who supported me and pushed me to be the best I could be, in more ways than just my clarinet playing. I was also blessed to have an ensemble director who gave me performance opportunities and chances to grow in my playing abilities. I played some amazing repertoire and am incredibly thankful to have had those opportunities and experiences given to me.
• I'm also incredibly thankful to have met Wayne Burlison. Even though I only knew him for a short time, he left such a positive impact on me that I can't even begin to express.
• I also have a job that I look forward to everyday. If I didn't come to Roberts, I would have probably never worked at this Walgreens and never met some of the people I work with. No, my job isn't perfect, but I enjoy talking to a wide variety of people and helping them pick out the best products for them, even if it includes helping someone pick out the incontinence product that is right for them. I've come across so many sweet people. And honestly, it touches me when someone comes back and says that they changed their hair color to one of my suggestions out of their comfort zone and they loved it, or helped them pick out a brow product that would work great for them and help them frame their face.

So no, I'm not where I thought I would be by now. I honestly thought that I would be living in New York City and making a living by playing clarinet. I'm thankful for the place I'm in now. Yes, I'm in crazy amounts of debt right now. It's a little overwhelming to look at the total amount. But I know I'm going to be alright. God has a plan for me and I can't wait to see where I end up.

And today we have...

Running!

What? What does running have to do with anything?

I realized I'm kind of an aggressive person. I take out my anger and aggression out on my body. No, I don't cut myself, I don't overeat, and I don't drink and do drugs. I work out.

When college started, I was always angry and I had this issue with taking out my anger on others (sorry!). When I signed up to take Fitness for Life my sophomore year, I was dreading it. I didn't want to work out that much. Getting gross and sweaty in the middle of the day did not sound like a good time to me. I didn't realize how much this class would change me.

While taking that class, I started eating healthier. Anyone who saw my eating habits before this time would not believe the junk I ate. I'm gagging just thinking about it. Anyways! I started eating a lot healthier. I also started drinking a lot more water. I started to feel great!

And then there was the working out. I'll admit, getting gross in the middle of the day still wasn't my idea of a good time. I would shower in the morning and then have to shower again in the middle of the afternoon before my next class or rehearsal. But! I realized through that class that I like working out more than I thought I would. I would run or hit the weight room on the weekends or in whatever spare time I could find. 

I felt healthier and less stressed. I also gained about 20 or 30 pounds from a well-balanced diet and from the muscle I was gaining. Just a disclaimer, I was 5'9" and around 100 lbs. I wore a size 0 and I'm pretty sure I looked like death. It was amazing. Most people freak out about gaining so much weight at this age, but I felt amazing. I had never felt so strong or so healthy in my life.

And flash forward to today. I have had a ton of problems in the past few years with my current roommate and the other person living in my apartment. I got angry, refused to come out of my room to eat, and just stayed angry. I recently had the stomach flu and couldn't eat. I felt incredibly weak and lost about 5 or 10 lbs from not being able to eat for a few days. I started eating super healthy and meatless to get my system used to eating again. I also started working out to gain back my muscle that I was losing.

A few weeks later and I feel great! I run pretty much every night and I haven't felt this stress-free in over a year. It's amazing!I've gained back my weight, kept up my healthy, not fried, rarely eating junk food diet. Ahhh-mazing!

Stay beautiful lovelies!

Let's Be Honest

We all lie. Sounds weird, right? I'm being honest about lying. Whether we lie to other people or lie to ourselves, we lie. We're human; it's just what we do. You might be thinking to yourself, "What are you talking about? I never lie to other people." 

Any of these sound familiar to you?

1. I'm sorry about the inconvenience I caused you. (Actually, I'm sorry that you feel the need to yell at me for something that isn't my fault.)
2. Thank you so much! I love it! (I'm going to exchange this gift the first chance I get.)
3. Oh, it was no big deal. (Yes, it was a very big deal. I'm awesome.)
4. Don't worry about it, I've got it. (Mooch...)

If none of these sound familiar to you, then good! We cover up our lies by saying we're only being polite. We might even use the phrase "little white lie" to make ourselves feel better. I almost feel bad admitting it, but I lie. 

I've been trying to admit to myself that I don't care about what people think of me. Truth is? I care. A lot. I have an odd fashion sense, but I like to stand out. Even if I get told that I look like Flashdance, Loverboy, or Flock of Seagulls. (Don't know these references? Look them up. You'll get a good laugh.)

I've also judged women for using their "feminine wiles" to get things that they want. Like when you see a woman bend over to get a guy's attention and have them do a favor. I always said I would never do that, I'm not that bad. I would never use my femininity to get something.

In thinking about it, I have a good sense about men and how to get what I need from them. Such as flirting with customers to keep my sales numbers up. Or flirting with the Tim Horton's guys to get free flavor shots and things of the sort. But I'm not bad. I don't show my cleavage to get things. Sure, I show a little leg to get popcorn at the movies. But I'm not so bad.

We just need to be honest with ourselves. We all lie. We all do whatever we need to in order to get what we want. It sounds really bitchy. But let's be honest, I'm just being honest with myself.

The College Experience

After being out of college for a few months, I've had time to reflect on a lot of things. I wasn't really raised in a Christian home, so going to Roberts (a private, Christian college) was definitely a culture shock. I had some experiences that I never dreamed I would have in college.

1. How naive some students are is as refreshing as it is scary. In a world where innocence is lost at such a young age, it was refreshing to see some of these students still retain that innocence. It was kind of scary at the same time. Things that I learned about the world, my body, and just life in general seemed foreign to some of these students. I can't even tell you the things I overheard from fellow students that just made my jaw drop. One example is when a man asked me if men could orgasm. 
2. I thought a lot of the students looked pretty much the same. I had never seen so many girls wearing tights as pants, Ugg boots, and with the same messy bun all congregated in the same place in my life. I'm not proud to admit that by the end of my time at Roberts, I did have the messy bun, occasionally wore tights as pants (not my proudest moments), and once I wore Uggs with my tights. Again, not my proudest moment. I came to college with black hair, questionable outfits (mostly wearing black and showing what little cleavage I had), and I had a scowl permanently painted on my face. I never felt so out of place in my life. Who knew a smile here and there could change your entire outlook on life.
3. I've never seen so many college-aged people who treated dating like it was a foreign subject. So many young men and women felt awkward even talking to the opposite sex. I've also never met so many people who have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend by the time they start college. Then, some of these people get married to their first ever boyfriend/girlfriend and are happy. I respect that people have such self-control to not date until college and then that they found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.
4. Open hours? I was lucky to have such relaxed parents when it comes to dating and having guy friends over at the house when I was in high school. Dorm life was different. The idea of open hours was so foreign to me. What do you mean I can't go visit my friends before dinner? What do you mean we can't hang out and play video games until 1am? Let's be honest, students were pretty good at sneaking in and out of dorms.
5. Conversations with professors you've come to know over your four years can end like this:

“So, are you getting married soon?”

“Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not even engaged.”

“Well do you have a boyfriend.”

“Not right now.”

“Do you have any prospects?”
“Nope, not right now. I’m kind of enjoying what life has right now.”

“Oh…Well I guess if that makes you happy."

Enough said.

Honestly, I absolutely loved my four and a half years at Roberts. I've loved so many of the experiences I've had and so many of the people that I've met. These people and experiences helped me become the person I am today. Never have I grown so much as a Christian, a person, and a musician. I had so many great times that I wouldn't change for the world. 

Not your average throwback Thursday...

Today is Thursday, and everyone knows what that means! Our newsfeeds are going to be

flooded with selfies of the past, pictures of long-lost friends, and relatives

near and dear to our hearts. Usually, you would see that from me, but not this

time. This past week has brought a journey into self-awareness that I want to

share.

This past week, I took a break from Facebook to figure things out and to try to

straighten out my life a little bit. After graduating college, everyone has

been asking what I’m going to do next. I tried figuring that out, but that isn’t

something that happens overnight. I also got a lot of reading done. Since

college started, I’ve done a lot of reading on the Holocaust. Thanks to a few

research papers on the evolution of Jewish music during this time, I’ve done my

fair share of reading into the history of the whole event. I’ve had this desire

to dig deeper into this dark time in history to answer a few questions I’ve had.

How could a group of people be so hateful to try and destroy another group of

people like this? More importantly, how could it have gone so far before it was

ended? After much searching, I can’t find an answer. However, I found something

that I did not expect to find: Hope.

Never have I felt so disgusted from reading the stories I did.

But, never have I seen so much HOPE and FAITH from reading the stories I did.

“I believed that God was watching the indifference of the world, and that God, Himself, was brokenhearted as well.”

There were stories and images that would break your heart. There were even accounts

of people praying to God and believing he would save them from death at the

last second, even as they were choking on their final breaths. One survivor

wrote that there was such a peace and calmness in the eyes of many of these

people, even though they knew what was coming.

I couldn’t believe it. In a place that I would consider a “Hell on Earth”, there

was PEACE in the eyes of these people. I was choking back tears as I was

reading these autobiographies from the horrors described. I was also choking

back tears from the faith I saw unfolding, even after all of the torture and

pain they went through.

“They could break my body, but they couldn’t break my faith.”

Through this, I learned about a vibrant culture ripped to shreds by HATE. The only

thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. We all

need to do our part in the world by spreading love, one person at a time. Whether

it is at work, in the store, or just walking down the street, we need to show

LOVE. No matter how much HATE someone spews at you, responding in LOVE does much

more than responding back with hate. Through all of this, we ALL need to show

LOVE. It’s not something I’m great at by any means. Showing love means smiling

at people, taking an interest in their day, even just responding to a text from

them. I’m sorry for the downer, but this is something that has been weighing on

my heart and I needed to share.

In short, I want to apologize to everyone I have neglected to respond to, to everyone I have snapped at because I “didn’t have my coffee

yet”, and to everyone that I’ve just lost touch with. I love each and every one of you and I will make it up.

My challenge to you today is to show someone some LOVE, even if it’s just smiling at them. Thank you for reading my somewhat scrambled thoughts for the day. Have a great day and show some love :)

Also, if you want to listen to a beautiful piece of music, check out "Quartet for the End of Time" by Olivier Messiaen. It's a beautiful piece of music composed by a French soldier, imprisoned in a German POW camp for clarinet, piano, cello, and violin.

Twins

My whole life, people have been asking me, "What's it like to be a twin?" I have never had a good answer for it, until now...

Being a twin meant that I was never alone. It meant that I always knew someone in school. I never had to walk home from school or ride the bus alone. 

During our high school graduation, I had my best friend sitting next to me during the ceremony and during the tedious rehearsal.

When we both went to different colleges in different cities, we bonded over our experiences. 

He always answers the phone when I call (no matter how late it is or how ridiculous the reason is), makes me laugh when I'm feeling upset, and knows the right things to say.

Rob had a hard time when we were kids with being bullied because he was different and looked like Harry Potter. When we got to high school, it all changed. The bullying ended. I was ecstatic, it was awful watching my brother get ridiculed on the playground and while we were in class in middle school, and I couldn't even imagine how he felt.

What was inspiring about my brother, is that even though these kids put him through hell for about 8 years of his life, he forgave them and didn't even blame them for their behavior. He told me that they were just kids and didn't know what they were doing. I doubt he remembers this conversation, but it stuck with me.

What is it like being a twin? It is the most amazing thing in the world. I love him.

Happy birthday Rob <3