And today we have...

Running!

What? What does running have to do with anything?

I realized I'm kind of an aggressive person. I take out my anger and aggression out on my body. No, I don't cut myself, I don't overeat, and I don't drink and do drugs. I work out.

When college started, I was always angry and I had this issue with taking out my anger on others (sorry!). When I signed up to take Fitness for Life my sophomore year, I was dreading it. I didn't want to work out that much. Getting gross and sweaty in the middle of the day did not sound like a good time to me. I didn't realize how much this class would change me.

While taking that class, I started eating healthier. Anyone who saw my eating habits before this time would not believe the junk I ate. I'm gagging just thinking about it. Anyways! I started eating a lot healthier. I also started drinking a lot more water. I started to feel great!

And then there was the working out. I'll admit, getting gross in the middle of the day still wasn't my idea of a good time. I would shower in the morning and then have to shower again in the middle of the afternoon before my next class or rehearsal. But! I realized through that class that I like working out more than I thought I would. I would run or hit the weight room on the weekends or in whatever spare time I could find. 

I felt healthier and less stressed. I also gained about 20 or 30 pounds from a well-balanced diet and from the muscle I was gaining. Just a disclaimer, I was 5'9" and around 100 lbs. I wore a size 0 and I'm pretty sure I looked like death. It was amazing. Most people freak out about gaining so much weight at this age, but I felt amazing. I had never felt so strong or so healthy in my life.

And flash forward to today. I have had a ton of problems in the past few years with my current roommate and the other person living in my apartment. I got angry, refused to come out of my room to eat, and just stayed angry. I recently had the stomach flu and couldn't eat. I felt incredibly weak and lost about 5 or 10 lbs from not being able to eat for a few days. I started eating super healthy and meatless to get my system used to eating again. I also started working out to gain back my muscle that I was losing.

A few weeks later and I feel great! I run pretty much every night and I haven't felt this stress-free in over a year. It's amazing!I've gained back my weight, kept up my healthy, not fried, rarely eating junk food diet. Ahhh-mazing!

Stay beautiful lovelies!

Let's Be Honest

We all lie. Sounds weird, right? I'm being honest about lying. Whether we lie to other people or lie to ourselves, we lie. We're human; it's just what we do. You might be thinking to yourself, "What are you talking about? I never lie to other people." 

Any of these sound familiar to you?

1. I'm sorry about the inconvenience I caused you. (Actually, I'm sorry that you feel the need to yell at me for something that isn't my fault.)
2. Thank you so much! I love it! (I'm going to exchange this gift the first chance I get.)
3. Oh, it was no big deal. (Yes, it was a very big deal. I'm awesome.)
4. Don't worry about it, I've got it. (Mooch...)

If none of these sound familiar to you, then good! We cover up our lies by saying we're only being polite. We might even use the phrase "little white lie" to make ourselves feel better. I almost feel bad admitting it, but I lie. 

I've been trying to admit to myself that I don't care about what people think of me. Truth is? I care. A lot. I have an odd fashion sense, but I like to stand out. Even if I get told that I look like Flashdance, Loverboy, or Flock of Seagulls. (Don't know these references? Look them up. You'll get a good laugh.)

I've also judged women for using their "feminine wiles" to get things that they want. Like when you see a woman bend over to get a guy's attention and have them do a favor. I always said I would never do that, I'm not that bad. I would never use my femininity to get something.

In thinking about it, I have a good sense about men and how to get what I need from them. Such as flirting with customers to keep my sales numbers up. Or flirting with the Tim Horton's guys to get free flavor shots and things of the sort. But I'm not bad. I don't show my cleavage to get things. Sure, I show a little leg to get popcorn at the movies. But I'm not so bad.

We just need to be honest with ourselves. We all lie. We all do whatever we need to in order to get what we want. It sounds really bitchy. But let's be honest, I'm just being honest with myself.

The College Experience

After being out of college for a few months, I've had time to reflect on a lot of things. I wasn't really raised in a Christian home, so going to Roberts (a private, Christian college) was definitely a culture shock. I had some experiences that I never dreamed I would have in college.

1. How naive some students are is as refreshing as it is scary. In a world where innocence is lost at such a young age, it was refreshing to see some of these students still retain that innocence. It was kind of scary at the same time. Things that I learned about the world, my body, and just life in general seemed foreign to some of these students. I can't even tell you the things I overheard from fellow students that just made my jaw drop. One example is when a man asked me if men could orgasm. 
2. I thought a lot of the students looked pretty much the same. I had never seen so many girls wearing tights as pants, Ugg boots, and with the same messy bun all congregated in the same place in my life. I'm not proud to admit that by the end of my time at Roberts, I did have the messy bun, occasionally wore tights as pants (not my proudest moments), and once I wore Uggs with my tights. Again, not my proudest moment. I came to college with black hair, questionable outfits (mostly wearing black and showing what little cleavage I had), and I had a scowl permanently painted on my face. I never felt so out of place in my life. Who knew a smile here and there could change your entire outlook on life.
3. I've never seen so many college-aged people who treated dating like it was a foreign subject. So many young men and women felt awkward even talking to the opposite sex. I've also never met so many people who have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend by the time they start college. Then, some of these people get married to their first ever boyfriend/girlfriend and are happy. I respect that people have such self-control to not date until college and then that they found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.
4. Open hours? I was lucky to have such relaxed parents when it comes to dating and having guy friends over at the house when I was in high school. Dorm life was different. The idea of open hours was so foreign to me. What do you mean I can't go visit my friends before dinner? What do you mean we can't hang out and play video games until 1am? Let's be honest, students were pretty good at sneaking in and out of dorms.
5. Conversations with professors you've come to know over your four years can end like this:

“So, are you getting married soon?”

“Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not even engaged.”

“Well do you have a boyfriend.”

“Not right now.”

“Do you have any prospects?”
“Nope, not right now. I’m kind of enjoying what life has right now.”

“Oh…Well I guess if that makes you happy."

Enough said.

Honestly, I absolutely loved my four and a half years at Roberts. I've loved so many of the experiences I've had and so many of the people that I've met. These people and experiences helped me become the person I am today. Never have I grown so much as a Christian, a person, and a musician. I had so many great times that I wouldn't change for the world. 

Not your average throwback Thursday...

Today is Thursday, and everyone knows what that means! Our newsfeeds are going to be

flooded with selfies of the past, pictures of long-lost friends, and relatives

near and dear to our hearts. Usually, you would see that from me, but not this

time. This past week has brought a journey into self-awareness that I want to

share.

This past week, I took a break from Facebook to figure things out and to try to

straighten out my life a little bit. After graduating college, everyone has

been asking what I’m going to do next. I tried figuring that out, but that isn’t

something that happens overnight. I also got a lot of reading done. Since

college started, I’ve done a lot of reading on the Holocaust. Thanks to a few

research papers on the evolution of Jewish music during this time, I’ve done my

fair share of reading into the history of the whole event. I’ve had this desire

to dig deeper into this dark time in history to answer a few questions I’ve had.

How could a group of people be so hateful to try and destroy another group of

people like this? More importantly, how could it have gone so far before it was

ended? After much searching, I can’t find an answer. However, I found something

that I did not expect to find: Hope.

Never have I felt so disgusted from reading the stories I did.

But, never have I seen so much HOPE and FAITH from reading the stories I did.

“I believed that God was watching the indifference of the world, and that God, Himself, was brokenhearted as well.”

There were stories and images that would break your heart. There were even accounts

of people praying to God and believing he would save them from death at the

last second, even as they were choking on their final breaths. One survivor

wrote that there was such a peace and calmness in the eyes of many of these

people, even though they knew what was coming.

I couldn’t believe it. In a place that I would consider a “Hell on Earth”, there

was PEACE in the eyes of these people. I was choking back tears as I was

reading these autobiographies from the horrors described. I was also choking

back tears from the faith I saw unfolding, even after all of the torture and

pain they went through.

“They could break my body, but they couldn’t break my faith.”

Through this, I learned about a vibrant culture ripped to shreds by HATE. The only

thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. We all

need to do our part in the world by spreading love, one person at a time. Whether

it is at work, in the store, or just walking down the street, we need to show

LOVE. No matter how much HATE someone spews at you, responding in LOVE does much

more than responding back with hate. Through all of this, we ALL need to show

LOVE. It’s not something I’m great at by any means. Showing love means smiling

at people, taking an interest in their day, even just responding to a text from

them. I’m sorry for the downer, but this is something that has been weighing on

my heart and I needed to share.

In short, I want to apologize to everyone I have neglected to respond to, to everyone I have snapped at because I “didn’t have my coffee

yet”, and to everyone that I’ve just lost touch with. I love each and every one of you and I will make it up.

My challenge to you today is to show someone some LOVE, even if it’s just smiling at them. Thank you for reading my somewhat scrambled thoughts for the day. Have a great day and show some love :)

Also, if you want to listen to a beautiful piece of music, check out "Quartet for the End of Time" by Olivier Messiaen. It's a beautiful piece of music composed by a French soldier, imprisoned in a German POW camp for clarinet, piano, cello, and violin.

Twins

My whole life, people have been asking me, "What's it like to be a twin?" I have never had a good answer for it, until now...

Being a twin meant that I was never alone. It meant that I always knew someone in school. I never had to walk home from school or ride the bus alone. 

During our high school graduation, I had my best friend sitting next to me during the ceremony and during the tedious rehearsal.

When we both went to different colleges in different cities, we bonded over our experiences. 

He always answers the phone when I call (no matter how late it is or how ridiculous the reason is), makes me laugh when I'm feeling upset, and knows the right things to say.

Rob had a hard time when we were kids with being bullied because he was different and looked like Harry Potter. When we got to high school, it all changed. The bullying ended. I was ecstatic, it was awful watching my brother get ridiculed on the playground and while we were in class in middle school, and I couldn't even imagine how he felt.

What was inspiring about my brother, is that even though these kids put him through hell for about 8 years of his life, he forgave them and didn't even blame them for their behavior. He told me that they were just kids and didn't know what they were doing. I doubt he remembers this conversation, but it stuck with me.

What is it like being a twin? It is the most amazing thing in the world. I love him.

Happy birthday Rob <3